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Who am I?
This is one difficult question to answer yet each time I answer it, I have realised that my responses are different but there’s always a golden thread connecting each response. What I mean by golden thread is that there’s a common trait in all my responses which is informed by my values. Note: values do change too. My responses change and become better because I have learnt something new, I am wiser, I have had new experiences that have contributed to the person I am now. It’s so easy to dwell on the past but one fact I know is that change is inevitable. It is going to happen. I used to be so obsessed with wanting to feel the way I used to feel 8 years ago, be that person I used to be then and I even envied the relationship I had with God. A big aha moment followed, we live our lives in seasons and each season is different. We are always evolving and this affects all areas of our lives in different ways. Sometimes circumstances force you to change. Personally, I am struggling with rediscovering myself after the tragedy I encountered. It’s amazing how much of an effect a single event can have on your life.
I used to have a routine that worked well for me, I worked long hours and that fulfilled me because my job is like a hobby that pays well. I love what I do. I love cooking and baking. I didn’t love doing house chores but I’d do them anyway. I had my own super powers, I was my own hero. Since the assault and robbery, I have found that I am struggling in a lot of areas of my life, I don’t know how some people, after a traumatic experience, can still show up everyday and slay their goals. I have learnt to look at me and deal with me, at my own pace.
So, what areas of my life have I been struggling with?
1. Spiritual
A little background on this, I was the kind of person who had crazy faith. I believed God can do anything and that nothing is impossible with and for Him. Lately, I have been wondering, am I a Christian because it is what I know or because I made that choice. This has prompted me to learn about other belief systems. My faith is challenged but I know that all I need is faith as small as a mustard seed.
2. Relational
I don’t even know who I am right now. I am experiencing a lot of changes in my life and I am having a difficult time relating to my friends, my family. I have been making promises to visit that I have failed to keep. I am musing on my inadequacies as a mother and I don’t even know what to do about it. I have broken up with my boyfriend twice already because a relationship is just too much to carry right now. I just feel so overwhelmed with emotions that I can’t trust anyone with them. Just in case you have advice for me – sometimes therapy doesn’t work because I am not willing to open up. I will give it time.
3. Occupational
I love what I do, it’s my passion. I started my new job in January and it was going well till the incident and now I feel like I can’t reach my full potential. It’s not like I am not working hard, I am doing my best but I am just not getting the results I expect. Instead of getting better at what I do and meeting my goals, I feel like I can’t conquer. I am even making mistakes which I wouldn’t normally make. This sucks but I know that I can make it.
4. Health and wellness
I love cooking but everything I have cooked since the attack tastes awful. That’s so unlike me. I don’t know if my taste buds got messed up or I am just failing to mix the right ingredients. I haven’t been enjoying my food and it’s frustrating me. I sleep too much and waking up in the morning is a mundane task. I don’t like doing house chores but it has now become even more unbearable.
What am I saying?
Change is real and difficult too. I am basically trying to rediscover myself, the person I am now and the person I am becoming. Sometimes you want someone to help you without saying a word but no one reads mind and reaching out is hard. I won’t even mention the external factors like the economy that are also changing, we have got to brave them. Internal change is what’s difficult to deal with but it comes with the growth we need.
In as much as this is a difficult season, I will embrace change and I will brave it. When you come get to your season to change, embrace it but also remember to be patient with yourself and also the people around you for they mean well. #notetoself
